Sacrifice!

To die to oneself, to sacrifice ourselves for others in Your Name.  That is what you ask us to do, Father God.

How much sacrifice should be enough?  Do we lose ourselves in the process?  Do we unfold who we were to only find ourselves lost as a person?  Or maybe this is the process of putting on the new?

Some people think putting on the new in exchange for the old self would happen instantaneously with accepting Jesus into our heart.  But I am seeing although the Spirit convicts us and we change after receiving Him into our heart and putting faith into Your Word, that the actual transformation to a "new" person in God takes a lot of time.  Our lifetime.  After all you who have performed a great work in us will not be finished until the day of completion - physical death.

It is comforting to know that it is a slow transformation but it is also frightening to think that this person a thought I knew is now becoming someone so unfamiliar.  Almost as if I am going back to my frail childhood when I was too shy to speak outwardly.  It took me awhile to break from that shell but it also took a lot of drugs.

So that is it, right, God, you need me to go back to being that silent person so that I depend upon you.  Just like I should have done all those years ago but turned to drugs and alcohol to cover up my depression and anger.

Each day I feel as though I am losing a part of myself in order to please those around me.  I find myself asking you and me when have I given enough, Lord?  When will I be who you want me to be?  When will it be my turn to have someone sacrifice themselves for me?

I guess I just don't see the sacrifice they are making.  How selfish of me?

When I turn to you, I am reminded, how far did I want Jesus to go?  Half way so that I only made it half way into your graces?

Jesus, a man I have never met, was willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for my sins.  He suffered persecution (verbal and physical) far beyond what I am sacrificing now.  He was beaten to a near death to only have to carry His own cross to Calgary.  Then to have nails beaten into his hands and feet.  When I picture this in my mind, really concentrate on the hours of pure torture this man was willing to go through for me to get into Heaven, I see that I am just being petty and selfish and egotistical.  Why would I deserve to not suffer a little here on this petty earth when He suffered so much during His short time here.

Forgive me for thinking that picking out gifts over someone else is more important than my sacrifice to You.  Forgive me for thinking that allowing someone to take out their anger on me is more important than my sacrifice to You.  Forgive me for thinking that my time is more valuable than my sacrifice to YOU.

You are the living, breathing God who created me with a purpose.  I am here to serve You, Oh Lord, and to sacrifice myself on a daily basis.  Forgive me for being human.

I love you, Oh Lord, and thank you for my life, hardships and all.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the willingness to sustain verbal abuse, to be whipped to near death, to have thorns crushed into your skull, to have nails driven into your hands and feet, to hang on a cross for hours unable to breath properly until you took your last breath - all for petty me.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for interceding with the Lord and I to remind me of how small my problems are in comparison with what was done for me.

Amen.