If He Loved Me!

There are times I wonder why the Lord would allow such misery in my life

If He truly loved me?!

But I know it is because He loves me that He allows me to suffer.

I believe that this is one of the hardest truths to accept in Christianity. Why do we suffer so much pain? Maybe even more pain than before we accepted Christ.

But in the end it always boils down to "It is because He loves me."

During the past 6 weeks I have been through some personal anguish. It has kept me from being the christian that God wants me to be. It has kept me from loving others. It has kept me from being the wife and mother I need to be. It has kept me from business.......the list goes on.

So why, O why, Dear Lord, have you allowed such pain in my life?

It is because you love me. You have a special plan for me. I do know that much. But not knowing what loss I must suffer to get there seems unbearable. I just want it to end. I want to be on the other side of this trial.

Guess what? I am the one keeping me from the other side of this trial. Is it fear? Is it the tragedy of losing something dear to me? Is it the cost I must pay - my pride - to be laughed at and scorned by others even those I thought I knew?

It is a mixture of all of it.

So how do we break through these hurtful times when we feel like no one understands. Like there is no one to turn to.

The only True Being that we can trust and turn to is the Lord. He gives us peace and comfort during these trying times. He leads us to still waters.

I must be calling out for Him 10-20 times a day at least, praying the "Our Father" as if there is no tomorrow. Especially as I lie in bed. That is such a perfect time for the enemy to attack me with these eerie thoughts.

See I busy myself so much during the day to try to keep my mind from that which is haunting me. Although the pictures and thoughts are there, they are less vivid if I busy myself. But then I try to sleep and there they are the visions of infidelity and lies. Is it really going to happen? How could it be? NO!!!!

God is calling for me to be closer to Him! God wants me to know that He is the only constant in my life. He will always be there when others fail me. He is and should be my priority.

But it still hurts, Lord....I am sorry for being so weak and not wanting to lose something near and dear to me. I am being selfish and asking why must I give up another loved one? Why?

I want to serve you and be loved by you and be blessed by you. So I will try harder not to interfere with your plans. I will try to keep my thoughts and words more controlled.

For my words are just making me look like a fool anyway. They will not change the inevitable plan that you have for my life and those around me. They will not convince another that they are doing wrong and have them break down into confession...It is hard but I ask of you, Heavenly Father, to keep my mouth shut and my heart, eyes, and mind open to that which I need to attend.

I love you, Father God, and look forward to the day that I may return home, but for now I will just look forward to tomorrow and take it one day at a time.